What is it about babies that makes strangers act so, well, strange? I have been a dad for two weeks now, and in those two weeks I have witnessed some downright bizarre behavior. The most obnoxious, by far, is touching. Strangers think they can touch your baby so long as they sufficiently fawn over the child while they are doing it. People walk right up to you, say something pithy like "Ohh! How cute!" And then they proceed to caress and finger your kid like he's a hamster in a petting zoo. It doesn't even matter if he is sleeping. My internal reaction in this daily scenario is to scream, "What the hell? Get your filthy paws off my son!" Unfortunately, I'm far too reserved to actually say that out loud. Instead I opt for more subtle solutions, like maneuvering my baby to a difficult-to-reach position, or conjuring up some excuse for why I suddenly need to go "over there" as quickly as possible.
I think pretty much every parent is saying, "Yup, Mr. Wilson, been there, done that." And every parent hates it. (The kids, once they are old enough to know a random freak from a family member, aren't too fond of it, either.) So why does the behavior continue? Who are these bozos who think they can just go up to anybody's baby and feel it up?
Babies aren't the only ones who get drive-by-snuggled. New mothers have to put up with it, too. The Missus survived an unsolicited bear hug in the Chicago airport from an anonymous well-wisher that was so friendly, I swear the woman copped a feel. I'm sure The Missus would have issued a resounding WTF had she not been so caught off-guard.
I think I should try an approach with a little more passive-aggressiveness to it, rather than the straight passivity I've been using. Some lines I might try:
- "He ain't a melon, lady, there's no need to squeeze him."
- "Five bucks per fondle, please."
- "If I were to invade your personal space like that, I'd get 3-5 years and a black eye from your husband."
- "Your parents weren't the type to emphasize manners, were they?"
- "Do you always behave this way around sleeping little boys?"
Got any better lines, or good anecdotes of your own? Please share.