What is it about babies that makes strangers act so, well, strange? I have been a dad for two weeks now, and in those two weeks I have witnessed some downright bizarre behavior. The most obnoxious, by far, is touching. Strangers think they can touch your baby so long as they sufficiently fawn over the child while they are doing it. People walk right up to you, say something pithy like "Ohh! How cute!" And then they proceed to caress and finger your kid like he's a hamster in a petting zoo. It doesn't even matter if he is sleeping. My internal reaction in this daily scenario is to scream, "What the hell? Get your filthy paws off my son!" Unfortunately, I'm far too reserved to actually say that out loud. Instead I opt for more subtle solutions, like maneuvering my baby to a difficult-to-reach position, or conjuring up some excuse for why I suddenly need to go "over there" as quickly as possible.
I think pretty much every parent is saying, "Yup, Mr. Wilson, been there, done that." And every parent hates it. (The kids, once they are old enough to know a random freak from a family member, aren't too fond of it, either.) So why does the behavior continue? Who are these bozos who think they can just go up to anybody's baby and feel it up?
Babies aren't the only ones who get drive-by-snuggled. New mothers have to put up with it, too. The Missus survived an unsolicited bear hug in the Chicago airport from an anonymous well-wisher that was so friendly, I swear the woman copped a feel. I'm sure The Missus would have issued a resounding WTF had she not been so caught off-guard.
I think I should try an approach with a little more passive-aggressiveness to it, rather than the straight passivity I've been using. Some lines I might try:
- "He ain't a melon, lady, there's no need to squeeze him."
- "Five bucks per fondle, please."
- "If I were to invade your personal space like that, I'd get 3-5 years and a black eye from your husband."
- "Your parents weren't the type to emphasize manners, were they?"
- "Do you always behave this way around sleeping little boys?"
Got any better lines, or good anecdotes of your own? Please share.
Comments
See what your friends and neighbors have to say about this.
That is very intrusive. If its family or friends, touching is to be expected of course. But total strangers? That is just wrong in every book.
Welcome to parenthood. Just a word of warning, never take your child to Wal-Mart, Target, etc., etc…those places are magnets for baby touchers.
One of our first trips out with our baby to a store was not too long ago, she was 3 months old and was hungry so of course she cried. An elderly lady noticed the crying and thought if she talked to my little one it would make her stop crying. 15 minutes later and in a different aisle I ran into the same lady, she said “do you have a pacifier? maybe she’s cold, do you have a blanket?”. When I answered no to both she gave me a nice firm slap on the forearm and walked away.
Baby touchers annoy me, but so do strangers who doubt your parenting skills…
That is over the top. Had I been in your situation I probably would have been too stunned to react as well (stunned by her intrusiveness and temerity). Nursing homes are made for people like that.
While, for obivous reasons, I don’t condone baby touching by complete strangers, I can think of a very simple reason why it’s so prevalent: Touching infants is a very strong and near-universal primate bonding, socialization and acclimating behavior.
As Mr. T noted, this isn’t viewed as a problem when family and friends are involved; I’d be willing to bet that in industrialized/urban/impersonal societies (where many people lack outlets for “allowable” baby touching), this type of instictive behavior gets the best of many people.
Woah woah woah, primates? Are you calling me a monkey? Them’s fightin’ words!
😉
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