Non-fun Holiday

November 23, 2005 at 2:00pm By: Mr. T Posted in Mr. T's Den

Tomorrow I’m going to drive out to Central Iowa to do the holiday thing with the parents of my brother’s wife. I have gone to their house many a time for Thanksgiving since I used to live a stone’s throw away from them for several years when I was in school. Its not as if I actively dislike them, but at the same time, the experience isn’t festive at all. Case in point, her mom’s (the mom of my brother’s wife) cooking is pretty dreadful. I’d say I like about 10% of her cooking. She makes this awful salad composed of jello and shrimp every year. The first time I was like WTF jello and shrimp? They like to eat turkey that is so dried out it’s almost like beef jerky. Instead of making a home-made gravy from the turkey’s juices, they buy those packages of pre-made “gravy mix” from the store which is the only thing to put on the super-dried out turkey to moisten it. Plus her mom is an ultraconservative maniac who hates gays. She is like a broken record. One out of every three conversations she manages to somehow work in how evil gays are and what a horrible abomination homosexuality is. In the meantime I am thinking the true abomination is her horrible cooking and gravy/jello and shrimp salad.

Plus, they don’t like to watch sports or even the news on tv (surprise surprise). For years they didn’t even have a basic cable tv subscription. In other words the only thing they received on their tv was fuzzy signals of at best 2 of the 4 networks. They do, however, like to watch old re-runs of G-rated comedies that are decades old, like “The Pink Panther.” The point I am trying to make is that you can’t really escape from them by zoning out on the tv. You are basically forced to listen to the mom talk about how evil gays are in between praising her for her “fine cooking.” Thank God its only one day a ye

ar with them. Luckily I’m going to be visiting an old friend of mine as well down in Iowa City. It gives me a legitimate excuse to cut and run from their place as soon as the meal is over.


I am going to have my friend from Iowa City give me a call on my cell phone several times during the day (I will turn the ring volume way up) so it looks apparent that I need to leave their place and get down there as soon as possible. 

Addendum 2

I just spoke with my brother’s wife and she tells me that her parents finally bought a DVD player recently (congratulations for making it to the 90s!) and that she is going to bring several decent DVDs over so we can watch them tomorrow.  Thank God this gives me an excuse to spend most of the day watching TV while I am at their house.

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The Comments

Mr. Wilson November 23, 2005 at 3:32pm

If gays are evil, and her Jell-O/shrimp salad is an abomination, how bad would gay Jell-O wrestling be? Can words possibly describe it?

Mr. T November 23, 2005 at 4:06pm

I will try and remember to bring my digital camera with me and take a picture of the shrimp jello salad. This frankenstein-like culinary monstrosity of the midwest must be exposed for all to see.

beerorkid November 23, 2005 at 5:40pm

ugh… that sounds horrible.  I am gonna deep fry two turkeys for both family’s.  so I get two thanksgivings in one day.

I get to enjoy anti gay rhetoric as well.  They hate it when I bring up that god created intersexed people (hermaphodites) and no matter which way they go, they are being gay.  Fricking love that one.  Also I always bring up the fact that holidays are really rough for GLBT’s.  Try to work the sympathy angle.

Matt November 25, 2005 at 8:05am

so long as we’re talking about conversations with out-of-touch relatives:  here’s a modified phone conversation i had with grandpa on thanksgiving morning (btw, he’s the democrat in the family).

grandpa:  I don’t like watching TV anymore because all the commercials are for the blacks.  That’s who’s got all the money now.

me:  (stunned silence) ... You mean like music and clothes?  Cause I’m pretty sure that white suburban kids are still the people with the money.

grandpa:  Well all those black athletes have million dollar contracts.

me:  Yeah, but I think on average African-Americans make quite a bit less than whites, and even if you throw in 3 or 4 thousand professional athletes it wouldn’t change the average much for the 25 million African-Americans in the US.

grandpa:  Well it’s just like we’re living in a different world nowadays.

to which i thought (and didn’t say outloud), yeah, it’s a world where everyone ignores countervailing information and nobody thinks.

happy holidays, i’m going to go buy something to cope.

D.M.B. November 25, 2005 at 9:15am

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because it’s christmas without all the presents and buying and crowds and such. 

Grandma’s turkey is always so dry, that’s why I opt for the ham.

Grandma’s mashed potatos are also dry and lumpy.  I hate her potatos.  And you know what?  It’s gotten BETTER over the years.  Nowadays, you can MAYBE get a spoonfull without a lump, 5-7 years ago…a spoonfull WAS a lump.  They were nautious.

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