Big Decisions
From our first date back in 1996 my wife, Sadie, and I talked a lot about a little bit of everything. We talked about school, and friends, and band, of course, because those topics dominated our daily lives. We were teenagers, after all. But we also spoke about other stuff. Little things, like our favorite colors. And big things, like God, and the universe, and Why.
We had to talk about big things, because we were very different people. In particular, Sadie was the Jewish daughter of ex-hippies, and I was the Methodist son of southeast Nebraska conservatives. I was only interested in dating for marriage, and I needed to find out if our relationship really had a chance. Besides, we had to do something to pass the time. We were both so shy it took us a month to even hold hands. Despite my parents’ fears (and Sadie’s parents’ expectations) all that time Sadie and I spent alone in the basement really was spent “just talking.” We were such dweebs.
All of that talking did us a lot of good in the long run. We know everything about each other. Or at least as close as we can get to knowing everything after nearly nine years together. And with that sort of a foundation, making big decisions is infinitely simplified. When it came time to plan our wedding, we already knew what each other wanted. Picking a puppy was a piece of cake. Same with buying our first house;
we knew which features were important, which were compromisable, and which were deal-breakers. Our realtor was so pleased that he finally didn’t have to deal with a couple who hadn’t discussed each other’s preferences until showing up in his office.
So it really shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me how simple it was to make the most life-changing decision of our lives. But it did surprise me. It surprised the heck out of me.
Sadie and I decided over a year ago to try to expand our family. We had gotten married, we had purchased a house, and we got a puppy. We were going right down the checklist. But while everything else on the checklist had gone extraordinarily smoothly, we discovered that having a baby wasn’t going to be as easy as we had expected. Somehow we were failing Biology 101.
We went through all the usual tests and treatments. (And by “we” I mean almost exclusively Sadie.) All our parts were in the right place, but some parts just didn’t want to talk to other parts. Which was very frustrating. Even poking and doping didn’t help matters. When you look at these processes on paper it all seems so simple. Chemical A triggers body part B to release hormone C, which does action D. It’s elementary. But for us process ABCD just didn’t work.
This was all very disconcerting to my wife. She not only had to accept that her life-long assumption that she would bear children was wrong, but she had to deal with the guilt associated with not being able to carry a child for me. I don’t think I put that guilt on her, but just try to convince a woman that “it’s ok.” Not just on something like this, but on any topic. Go on, try it. It can’t be done.
Modern science can overcome just about any biological failure, so it wasn’t like we were totally sunk. There were at least as many options ahead of us as there were behind us. But something a nurse at the fertility clinic stuck with Sadie. She said “A lot of couples begin to consider adoption at this point.”
We had, in fact, mentioned adoption in passing even before then. But it was at that point that the notion that adoption might be right for us really hit home. When Sadie first seriously brought up the subject of adoption I was caught a bit off guard. I think I scared her a bit by my reaction, which can probably be best summarized as a series of mumbles and uhhs. That’s what happens when an expectation you’ve carried around all your life is, for the first time, replaced with something completely different. “Changing paradigms” is what that’s called, I think. I don’t think a normal person can possibly react to a dramatic shift like that with anything but stammering nonsense.
Yet within days Sadie and I had come to a consensus: we were ready to adopt. Not only did the next stage of fertility treatments not sound like any fun at all, we weren’t comfortable with spending the obscene amounts of money necessary to have a tiny chance of maybe having a baby. Or six. The fact that the decision came so easily for us made it all the more obvious that adoption was the right choice. We are parents in need of a child, and with so many children in need of parents, why not adopt?
Sadie quickly got to work looking for quality adoption agencies. We eventually decided on Adoption Links Worldwide, an agency in Omaha, Nebraska. In doing so, we had to make another huge decision.
It is very important
to Sadie and I that we adopt an infant. I’ll be honest, our reasons are pretty selfish. In short, we want to experience the full slate of parental challenges, and the entire span of the child’s life. But there’s a catch: in the world of adoption, infants are difficult to come by. Infants that are not adopted through private channels are adopted very quickly, leading to huge waiting lists. For white children, that is. Minority infants, on the other hand, are not adopted nearly as quickly. The reasons range from wanting to “cover up” an adoption (i.e. wanting an adopted child to look somewhat like mom and dad), to wanting to avoid the “messiness” of an interracial adoption, to outright racial bias.
Sadie and I weren’t concerned about the child looking like us—it’s probably better that my kid not look like me anyway, for his or her own sake—and racial bias wasn’t an issue. The only remaining matter was the difficulties inherent in an interracial adoption. I completely understand why folks would want to avoid the hassles of interracial adoption. As if it isn’t difficult enough dealing with the adoption itself, you have people of all racial backgrounds making judgments about you and your family. And a lot of those judgments are not very favorable. Even when they are favorable, you are mistakenly seen as some sort of “hero” for “rescuing” this minority infant from the barrio, or the ghetto, or the slum, or wherever. Ugh.
Despite the potential pitfalls, Sadie and I decided that the Infant Minority Adoption Program is for us. It is an open program in which birth parents are urged to select the adoptive family for their child. The program is very flexible, giving Sadie and me quite a bit of control over the process. Again, the decision was pretty easy to make once it needed to be made. And we haven’t looked back.
Now that all these decisions have been made, there is a whole lot more in store for us. We are currently going through our home study, in which a case worker evaluates us and our home to ensure that we will provide a loving home for our child. There is a metric ton of paperwork to fill out, there are financial matters to attend to, and there are all the usual baby preparations to be made. Plus, we have to learn all about the ins and outs of raising a non-white child in a white family.
And somebody still needs to break the news to the dog that her time as the baby of the family is limited.
Deciding to have a child is a huge decision. Deciding to adopt, probably even bigger. Deciding to adopt an infant of another race, even bigger still. And yet somehow the decisions all came very naturally to us. We know that not everything will come this easily when our child comes home. But we figure if we continue to discuss every eventuality in preparation for our child’s arrival, the unexpected won’t be so unexpected after all.
The Comments
Mr. T August 29, 2005 at 11:50pm
Let me be the first to say (again) - ten thousand congratulations to you and Sadie! As I mentioned before, adopting a child is no small thing, and especially to those like you and other who have chosen to adopt interracially. Me knowing you, I know you and Sadie WILL be excellent parents. Much respect brother! As a 33 year old bachelor still in my, um, “late period” of adolescence - I have nothing but the upmost kudos and respect.
Second, is the pic of your new child? Beautiful!
Third, if your kid needs an uncle, I’d be happy to throw my hat in the ring for the position. Actually - I DEMAND to be an uncle (official or not).
Fourth, when I can take my nephew/niece to the twin cities for a Vikings game and meal at White Castle?
Congrats bro.
Mr. T August 29, 2005 at 11:53pm
Oh yeah - one last question: When can I start posting massive and boring articles about contemporary European human rights law to this part of lincolnite.com?
Mr. Wilson August 30, 2005 at 12:07am
Nope, that’s not our kid. I, [ahem], stole the photo from the ALWW website. I hope they don’t mind. Our child may not have even been conceived yet. Or maybe s/he has. The timing of a placement depends on when we finish our paperwork and home study, and when we decide we’re ready. We’re aiming for a late spring arrival, but as we all know, life doesn’t always follow neat little timelines.
As for your uncleish demands: I’ll accede to the Vikings game, but White Castle? If you take our kid to White Castle, you’re changing his/her diapers for the rest of the week!
I’ll chat with you privately about getting articles posted on here. Anybody else interested in sharing article-length features on Lincolnite can e-mail me at mrwilson@[thisdomain].com.